Something I think about a lot is parenthood. I, have kind of convinced myself that I shouldn't be a parent? At all. Like I def don't want to give birth, because that process sounds just awful and honestly, my genetics fucking suck. Arthritis, def some neurological disorders, I've got some rough skin issues... It just sucks. But, sometimes I just... I think about it. I think about how badly I would actually want to be a parent. Not now, of course; I'm not well enough to care for myself regularly, honestly. I haven't properly cleaned my house in like three months. But... I just.
Idk.
I mean I DO know, the selfish reason is that I want to prove it's not difficult to care for a child. I want to show that I didn't deserve to be ostracized and hurt for being, me? For looking like my father, for being born into this family. I don't want to have an untraumatized kid, I want to prove pain and trauma doesn't mean I am difficult. I was a kid. And yes, it IS selfish, it is. But I think that's ok, because my selfish reason is basically "I want to help a kid who was hurt, and raise them lovingly" and like, they're definitly benefitting from my selishness. But is there a non-selfish reason to have kids? Seriously, it's hard to not.
God, who knows honestly. I just see some parents talk about their methods sometimes and I wish. I wish I could have that. I wish I could complain about a litte kid being annoying in private, but talk to them and show them the proper way things are done and discuss our feelings. I want to tuck them into bed four or five times a night because there's always another reason to get up. I want to talk about our feelings even when we're mad at each other, and... God, I don't know. I want to prove that things never had to be this way. I want to prove that I don't need to be distant. I want to prove that I deserved to be treated gently and with kindness when I was little, not now that I'm an adult. I want to prove I wasn't difficult, I was scared. I deserved understanding.